In Trying Times
On a Tuesday afternoon in October, I had a follow up visit with a referral gynecologist who after reading the results of my medical tests informed me I had Endometrial Carcinosarcoma, a rare aggressive cancer. On the outside I felt fine; I looked okay and didn’t feel any obvious symptoms, (except for the bleeding), pointing me to say this is life threatening. The look on the doctor’s face and his staff was full of compassion as he told me he was able to get me in on Friday that week to see an oncologist surgeon. I received the time and date of meeting my new oncologist surgeon, Friday at 6:00 pm in El Paso, approximately 90 miles away from home. Just the fact that I was being rushed to see a specialist told me I was in serious trouble.
I was in a mechanical state of mind as I thanked the doctor and told him that God is with me. I walked out of his office and into the elevator that would take me down to the lower level leading me out to the parking lot. Something happened to me emotionally as I walked out to my car. I was emotionally processing the ramifications of this doctor visit, and as I got into my car and looked around, the world seemed unchanged around me. Everybody was going about their business, a regular day. Except for me. I was just informed that I had rare aggressive cancer. Finally, some emotion started breaking through. I called my husband and could not get a hold of him. The message machine recited that Larry did not set up his voicemail. So I hung up and called my mother who thankfully was available and I was able to share tears and prayers for strength. When I got home, I shared the news with my husband and he was in shock as much as I.
That Friday evening after driving and fighting rush hour traffic in El Paso, we arrived at 6 pm to speak with my referral oncologist surgeon. After examining me, and going over medical reports, he confirmed I had a tumor ball in my uterus. He scheduled a surgery date and follow up bloodwork.
By the time we got home that Friday night, now Saturday morning, it was after midnight. We were so exhausted and it was 1 am by the time we went to bed. My husband collapsed in his chair in the living room as I went on to bed. I soon heard snoring coming from the other room but I couldn’t sleep. I was seized with terror. I was facing my own fears and mortality. Never had I felt more alone. I began shaking violently like someone going through hyperthermia and could not stop. The stress of the week finally caught up and I was going through a bad reaction. I thought about waking my husband, but didn’t want to disturb him sleeping because he was so exhausted.
All of a sudden, my husband’s phone rang. Larry had placed his phone on the console by the door. I heard it ring and was amazed that it woke my husband up and that he actually got up to check it. Miracle #1. Then as he was checking it, a mechanical voice sounded out, “Voice call from Jennifer.” Miracle #2. My husband walked to my bedroom and said, “Jennifer, do you need me?” I cried out, YES! I NEED YOU TO HOLD ME! My husband got in bed with me, wrapped his arms around me as we rebuked the devil and lifted up prayers to the Lord. My violent shaking stopped and I was able to find rest both physically and spiritually for my soul.
I realized that the Holy Spirit woke up my husband after 1 am on Saturday morning to let him know that his wife needed help. I remembered the attempted call I made to him on that Tuesday afternoon, when I couldn’t leave a message and simply hung up. The fact that between Tuesday afternoon and Saturday early morning, my husband received the phone message exactly when I needed him most.
God is there! He has walked with me on this road for the last 4 years. There have been wins and losses, but through it all His grace is sufficient and I know I am not alone.
If anyone is walking in their own dark valleys, remember God is there walking with you, His rod and staff will comfort you as He holds your hand!
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God whose word I praise – in God I trust and am not afraid. Psalm 56:3-4 NIV