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and Fully Loved

There’s a feeling to go in protective mode to protect your inner self, and not be fully forthcoming to others about the real person you are concerning sharing the tribulations of sickness and suffering we all experience. There can be a sense of reticence to share with others – for doesn’t everyone have their own share of problems? So we tend to bear pain, worry and anxiety in silence.

This cannot be good for our mental health, acting like we are okay when we’re not. It is so tiring to keep up the stiff upper lip persona when in actuality we need human connection to walk and pray with us as we face our battles. It is so freeing to confide in a trusted group of friends, and that act of caring we receive does wonders for one’s morale, mental health, physical and spiritual well being.

In my life, I chose to share my journey with cancer with others and be open about it. My Church has surrounded me, anointing me with oil and prayers for healing. My family, friends and people I don’t even know prays regularly for me. I thank God constantly for prayers of these caring people because:

“Again, I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything you ask for, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them.” Matthew 18:19-20 NIV

I encourage you if you are going through a hardship, reach out to people you trust, such as your Church, your family and friends. It is so humbling to hear that you have been placed on prayer lists because their requests are being sent up to the realms of Heaven to God’s throne room.

As we open ourselves up to others we receive the knowledge of others going through their own valley. This is a great opportunity to pray for the person for healing and strength. It is a privilege to pray for others and watch their healing process continue. Plus it does get us out of focusing only on ourselves and to fully love others.

”What is man that you are mindful of him, the son of man that you care for him? You made him a little lower than the heavenly beings, and crowned him with glory and honor.” Psalm 8:4-5 NIV

Gear up for Battle and fight the good fight

This week I started 10 radiation treatments to destroy the tumor ball in my left neck. The distance where I lived to the oncology radiation clinic is 69 miles, approximately one hour and twenty six minutes one way, driving back and forth for ten days, putting 1380 miles on my vehicle. To add to this, I have a separate health issue with my stomach that ramps up with pain in the night hours, throwing another obstacle in front of me.

I tell you this because I truly believe it is a battle with the enemy. The enemy wants to make it as difficult as he can for you to be unsuccessful in your life. Whatever hardships in your life, the devil wants you to be defeated and destroy you.

It’s easy to have self defeating thoughts, and give up, but I encourage you to have faith in God, He will go out before you to fight! The battle is already won, if you have faith and believe in Him, God will see you through the battle.

In the Bible, in the book of Judges, it was a time before kings, A king would bring the people together by providing leadership, law and order and unite the people, Since there were no kings, men did what was right in their own eyes and lived evilly. God raised up judges to be a leader and save His people from destruction.

One of my favorite judges was a woman named Deborah. In the 4th Chapter of Judges, the Israelites did evil in the sight of God and God allowed the Israelites enemies to take them over in captivity for twenty years. The commander of their King Jabin, named Sisera, cruelly oppressed the Israelites, they cried out to the Lord for help. Deborah was a prophetess and the leader in Israel at the time. She held court to settle disputes between the Israelites . She sent for Barak, an Israelite Commander and political figure, to give him a message from the Lord commanding him to lead an army of ten thousand men to lure Sisera, Commander of King Jabin’s army to the Kishon River and give him into Barak’s hands.

Commander Barak told Deborah, “If you go with me, I will go; but if you don’t go with me, I won’t go.” “Very well,” Deborah said, “I will go with you. But because of the way you are going about this, the honor will not be yours, for the Lord will hand Sisera over to a woman.” (Judges 4:8-9)

Deborah went with Barak and the Israel army to fight Sisera and his army. When the timing was right, Deborah said to Barak, “Go! This is the day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands. Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?” Judges 4:14.

The battle was indeed won. The Lord routed Sisera and his army and his nine hundred chariots by the sword, where Sisera abandoned his chariot and fled on foot. The enemy armies were defeated by sword, not one man standing and Sisera was killed when he hid in Jael’s tent, mistakenly believing on the friendly relations between King Jabin and the Kenite clan. “On that day God subdued Jabin, the Canaanite king, before the Israelites. And the hand of the Israelites grew stronger and stronger against Jabin, the Canaanite king, until they destroyed him.” Judges 4:23-24

I tell you this story from the Bible because the problems we have in life sometimes seem insurmountable. God expects you to step up and fight! He will win the war, but God expects you to partner with Him and be willing to do your part by stepping onto the battlefield and fight! Take courage, believe, step out in faith, doing your part, and the battle will belong to the Lord.

The Lord fights my battles! If God is for us who can be against us? We serve a living God.

”All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the Lord saves; for the battle is the Lord’s, and He will give all of you into our hands.” 1 Samuel 17:47

Fight the good fight of faith

Life is so uncertain! Believe it or not, I feel one of the advantages to having a long term disease is a feeling of urgency to live every day for God, because my days on earth may be cut short. Before cancer, I was one of those people who was lulled into a false sense of security and complacency. I believe in God and know that Jesus died on the cross to save me, but I wasn’t giving Him my full attention; I wasn’t dialed into Him like I should be. However, I became laser focused on Jesus after receiving my first cancer diagnosis. After I received treatment and the cancer was suppressed I began to take my eyes off of Jesus – again, as the world lured me back to focus on earthly things.

Like a cold bucket of water that was poured over me, I found out the cancer came back stronger, my eyes and heart turned back to Jesus. I am so grateful and thankful that even though I am faithless, (in practice), God will remain faithful, for He cannot disown Himself,
(2 Timothy 2:13)

Through my trial, I have matured exponentially in the Lord and am trying to listen to the small still voice of the Holy Spirit in how better to serve the Lord and live for Him. One thing I have struggled with is that I have a strong impression to write my experiences down to be a living testimony for the Lord. I’ve written in journals, and started writing a book, but I always seemed to come to a road block and quit.

One night, I was listening to a sermon from Joseph Z, who prophesies. All of a sudden he looked intently at the TV monitor and said God moved him to speak this message: “Yes, your children will be saved and write the book God wants you to write.” I took his message to heart as I believe it was the voice of the Holy Spirit, speaking to me through Pastor Joseph Z. I have been burdened daily to pray fervently for my children and children’s children to be saved in the Lord Jesus Christ. I realized I also have to be obedient to His will, so I started writing a blog to be a testimony for Jesus Christ. My hope is that this will be a step forward into fulfilling God’s will.

I want to let you know that Jesus is there! He loves you and gave his life for you. It is the greatest gift of all, His gift,(free gift), of grace that you simply accept. Come as you are, believe in Him, confess your sins, and be transformed into a new creature, a new person. I am here to testify that there is the peace of God, that transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:7 NIV

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God… For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and self-discipline.
2Timothy 1:6-7 NIV

Pursue and fight the good fight of faith.

In Trying Times

On a Tuesday afternoon in October, I had a follow up visit with a referral gynecologist who after reading the results of my medical tests informed me I had Endometrial Carcinosarcoma, a rare aggressive cancer. On the outside I felt fine; I looked okay and didn’t feel any obvious symptoms, (except for the bleeding), pointing me to say this is life threatening. The look on the doctor’s face and his staff was full of compassion as he told me he was able to get me in on Friday that week to see an oncologist surgeon. I received the time and date of meeting my new oncologist surgeon, Friday at 6:00 pm in El Paso, approximately 90 miles away from home. Just the fact that I was being rushed to see a specialist told me I was in serious trouble.

I was in a mechanical state of mind as I thanked the doctor and told him that God is with me. I walked out of his office and into the elevator that would take me down to the lower level leading me out to the parking lot. Something happened to me emotionally as I walked out to my car. I was emotionally processing the ramifications of this doctor visit, and as I got into my car and looked around, the world seemed unchanged around me. Everybody was going about their business, a regular day. Except for me. I was just informed that I had rare aggressive cancer. Finally, some emotion started breaking through. I called my husband and could not get a hold of him. The message machine recited that Larry did not set up his voicemail. So I hung up and called my mother who thankfully was available and I was able to share tears and prayers for strength. When I got home, I shared the news with my husband and he was in shock as much as I.

That Friday evening after driving and fighting rush hour traffic in El Paso, we arrived at 6 pm to speak with my referral oncologist surgeon. After examining me, and going over medical reports, he confirmed I had a tumor ball in my uterus. He scheduled a surgery date and follow up bloodwork.

By the time we got home that Friday night, now Saturday morning, it was after midnight. We were so exhausted and it was 1 am by the time we went to bed. My husband collapsed in his chair in the living room as I went on to bed. I soon heard snoring coming from the other room but I couldn’t sleep. I was seized with terror. I was facing my own fears and mortality. Never had I felt more alone. I began shaking violently like someone going through hyperthermia and could not stop. The stress of the week finally caught up and I was going through a bad reaction. I thought about waking my husband, but didn’t want to disturb him sleeping because he was so exhausted.

All of a sudden, my husband’s phone rang. Larry had placed his phone on the console by the door. I heard it ring and was amazed that it woke my husband up and that he actually got up to check it. Miracle #1. Then as he was checking it, a mechanical voice sounded out, “Voice call from Jennifer.” Miracle #2. My husband walked to my bedroom and said, “Jennifer, do you need me?” I cried out, YES! I NEED YOU TO HOLD ME! My husband got in bed with me, wrapped his arms around me as we rebuked the devil and lifted up prayers to the Lord. My violent shaking stopped and I was able to find rest both physically and spiritually for my soul.

I realized that the Holy Spirit woke up my husband after 1 am on Saturday morning to let him know that his wife needed help. I remembered the attempted call I made to him on that Tuesday afternoon, when I couldn’t leave a message and simply hung up. The fact that between Tuesday afternoon and Saturday early morning, my husband received the phone message exactly when I needed him most.

God is there! He has walked with me on this road for the last 4 years. There have been wins and losses, but through it all His grace is sufficient and I know I am not alone.

If anyone is walking in their own dark valleys, remember God is there walking with you, His rod and staff will comfort you as He holds your hand!

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God whose word I praise – in God I trust and am not afraid. Psalm 56:3-4 NIV

Counter Attack the Enemy!

I am beginning to have real pains from the cancer tumors that are growing in my body. Before, over the last four years, I did not experience any pain from the cancer except in the chemo drugs used in fighting the disease. During Chemo, I would experience a stabbing sensation and the hope was that the chemo drugs were killing the cancer cells.

Think about it – a monster lurking in your body, quietly invading and taking over space pushing vital organs out of the way as it grows and manifests into an insatiable beast! I was almost convinced that I didn’t have cancer for I looked well, (in between chemotherapy and hair loss), I regained my energy and was able to live a full life! I even been able to push the big “C” to the back of my mind and act as if I was okay,

But reality always has a way of showing up. Pet and CT scans told a different story and revealed the immunotherapy was not effective anymore. The monster showed itself and I could not ignore it anymore.

Just as I am counter attacking the cancer, I think of spiritual warfare. What are the dark thoughts that enter into your mind unbidden? Where did they come from? Why do we dwell on them?

Spiritual attacks come at anytime. I’m usually the optimist and I had thoughts of hopelessness.. I had to catch myself and ask myself, when have you become the glass is half empty girl?

The devil and his minions certainly want to sever your relationship with the Lord, and he will try to convince you of feelings of hopelessness while fighting disease, addictions; worthlessness, of past regrets you relive over and over, that you are evil for having dark thoughts, and that how would God want you in His Kingdom because you are not good enough? Distrust and losing faith in the Lord come seeping in and you lose sight of Jesus as the waters sweep over you, feelings of drowning and being lost in the tempest of the storm of hopelessness.

I am here to tell you – Jesus is there! He always has been and always will be! In the storms of life the battle matures our faith as we go through the fire. We keep our eyes on Him as He pulls us out of the raging seas that are threatening to drown us and pull us under. In the storm, our faith is tested and strengthened. Here are my suggestions for fighting the darkness :

1. Know Jesus Christ as your Savior.
2. Be in relationship with Him and talk, pray to Him every day.
3. Read the Bible every day, even if it’s only one verse you have time for. Dwell, and meditate on its meaning and how it applies in your life. This is the Sword of the Spirit, (which is the Bible), and it’s used as an offensive and defensive weapon. When you take verses in the Bible and speak its truth, the darkness runs away, and peace, blessed peace and assurance returns.
4. You have a choice! When dark thoughts enter your mind, reject it and speak back to it. I speak this Bible verse often: …”We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ…” 2 Corinthians 10:5. NIV
5. Praise God! Be thankful and thank Him continually throughout the day. It’s very hard for dark thoughts to enter when you are thanking and praising Him through your words, by singing and reading the Bible verses throughout your day.
6. Serve the Lord. With the many blessings God bestows on us, I liken it to a water fountain overflowing onto others. What does it look like? To me, it is showing compassion and kindness to others, sharing Jesus, using the generosity that God gives us to help others monetarily. For how we treat others we are treating the Lord.
7. Keep your commitments. Stay busy and show up when you commit yourself to something. I realize that pain will keep you housebound at times, but try not to let it become the main thing. When you dwell on others, it helps to manage the pain.
8. Even if housebound, you can still read the Bible, praise Him and thank Him that He has brought you thus far. You can use one of the biggest weapons of all which is prayer and intercede on the behalf of others.

In the storms of life, God is in the midst.

“Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and He will come near to you.” James 4:7-8. NIV

In spite of adversity

I’ve been fighting cancer for 4 years. I recently discovered my cancer has grown and action has to be taken. In the past, I’ve underwent chemotherapy twice and 5 internal radiation treatments. Now I am facing a harsher chemo drug and 10 rounds of radiation to break up the nodules on the left side of my neck that has become quite painful. To say I feel deflated and defeated for a brief moment is an understatement.

But then I remembered a dream I had a few years ago. I was sleeping and in my dream, my surroundings took on a warm, yellow hue. My whole being was infused with a deep indescribable joy and I was being lifted upwards. Unfortunately, the sensation lasted for a few minutes as I felt myself being yanked down back into my body. The love I experienced was so strong and the joy so deep, I knew it was Jesus and I didn’t want to be separated from Him.

I hold on to that joy I experienced in my dream, it bubbles up, even in the valleys and tribulations in life. I feel the joy deep down inside, even when I must face hard things in life. Jesus is my source and strength.

You too can experience the joy of Jesus! Call out to Him, ask Him to forgive you for your sins and turn away from them. Believe that Jesus is God’s Son and He came to earth in the flesh through a virgin girl to carry out the mission of the Father, to save whoever believes in Him will have everlasting life! This is the joy I feel, the sustaining love that Christ lives in me! The Holy Spirit, also known as the “Comforter” lives in you once you accept Jesus as your Savior. Therefore you are not alone.

God’s presence is complete and lasting joy.

”You will show me the path of life. In your presence is fullness of joy. At your right hand are pleasures forever more.”

Psalm 16:11 NKJV

In Remembrance…

Charlie Kirk will be remembered for being a man of faith. He spoke for truth in love and made an impact on many lives including my own.

His life reminds me of an old Christian song, one that I was saved at a Christian campfire at the age of eleven. The song,

It Only Takes A Spark also known as “Pass It On” by Kurt Kaiser (1969)

It only takes a spark, to get a fire going, And soon all those around can warm up in its glowing, That’s how it is with God’s love, Once you experience it, You spread His love to everyone, You want to pass it on.

What a wondrous time is spring , when all the trees are budding, The birds begin to sing, the flowers start their blooming, That’s how it is with God’s love, Once you’ve experienced it, You want to sing, it’s fresh like spring, You want to pass it on.

I wish for you my friend, this happiness that I have found, You can depend on Him, it matters not where you are bound, I’ll shout it from the mountain top, (Praise God!), I want the world to know, the Lord of love has come to me, I want to pass it on.

Lord, let me step out and be courageous and say, yes, I will share the love of Christ wherever I go; to speak truth in love, love mercy, and walk humbly with my God.

That’s what Charlie Kirk did.

Hello, let me introduce myself, my nickname is Jennie and I want to share my stories with you that are faith based.

I am a new blogger and I’m learning how to blog as I go, and it seems that’s how I operate in life so please bear with me. I’m here, fulfilling a purpose, I believe, to bring light when there is darkness.

You see, as I was going down the highway in life, my life was transitioning to new beginnings, a new chapter I eagerly anticipated. I was easing into retirement, all the hard work done, and now was the time to enjoy the fruits of my labor.

Then there was a bend in the road. Cancer. Why me? I had a relatively clean lifestyle, except for a D. Coke fetish. I thought I was healthy but there was something wrong. Looking back, I can see now my body sent out signals, which I ignored. In 2019, there was a light spot of blood on my underwear and then it disappeared for 6 months to come back again in a cycle. I thought it was stress. Or how my stomach would feel bloated and full after eating. I had hot flashes, and felt like my period was starting. I was a woman who at age 58 could not be bothered with minor irritations. Hormonal right, it was just part of being a woman, right?

Until that day, on August 11, 2021, my symptoms were subtly getting worse. I inserted a tampon and when I took it out a huge clot of blood was staring back at me. I stared at the tampon in shock and disbelief. My knees gave way as I sat on my bed wrapping my brain around what I was seeing, not registering what the implications of what this meant.

So begun my bend in the road. I was going 65 mph and didn’t see the steep curve up ahead until I saw a yellow caution sign saying, “Slow, 35 mph.” I stomped on the brakes as I careened around the curve, car on two wheels, barely hanging on.

This is my journey and my hope is to encourage people who have experienced a bend in the road to have a closer relationship with God.

Lord, thank you for this bend in the road. Let it be my divine appointment to grow in maturity, serve others, and show the love of Christ.

So begins our journey together, and I pray my revelations enriches your life to draw on the strength of the Lord.

“You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven.”
Matthew 5:14-16 NIV